Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*