Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
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*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I did not eat the cake…
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friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.