Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
You Might Also Like
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?