My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
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One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Found the job I’m suited for
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”