Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.