You Might Also Like
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
🤣✨#caturday
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
*offers Batman cough drops*
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Guantanamo Bae
Autocarrot sucks!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.