@JasonLastname 1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
@CornOnTheGoblin you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
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@JasonLastname 
@squirrel74wkgn [in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
@JoParkerBear I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
@DomesticGoddss If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
@DanEdisonComedy “People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
@BoomBoomBetty If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
@petemandik ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
@slvppy mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
@girlontapas I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
@SPDERM4N 