@CornOnTheGoblin

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

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@JasonLastname

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

@squirrel74wkgn

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

@JoParkerBear

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

@DomesticGoddss

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

@DanEdisonComedy

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

@BoomBoomBetty

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

@petemandik

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

@slvppy

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

@girlontapas

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.