you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!