EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
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How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.