Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”