@suecorvette

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

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@mrjohndarby

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

@AimeeHelene1

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

@Tommytoughstuff

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

@Cain_Unable

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@TheSpotter8

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.