me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
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my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please