The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
What number SPF blocks people?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Something Saturday.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m a self-made hundredaire