Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.