7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer