Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
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[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
TRAIN’S HERE
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?