It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”