“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout