I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
when nothing goes right… go left
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.