*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
The 6 types of sex
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Looking at you, Jesus.