y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
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i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
This is a true ally.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.