we all know this pain all too well
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.