MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
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Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves