hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
You Might Also Like
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
How it started How it’s going
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
asking santa clause for nudes
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”