I’m sure it’s fine.
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If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
secret recipe
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.