One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
You Might Also Like
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.