me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many![]()
You Might Also Like
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Whoa 😂
![]()
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.