A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
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Morning.
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Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
This is my emotional support knife.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
lmaaaaaooooooooo
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.