cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
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Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Breakfast for Stoners:
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
knights of the ikea table
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE