I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
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[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*