I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
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Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
who wore it better?