*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
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You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.