“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich