MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
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THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …