For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
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“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Breaking news:
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert