Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Mission: Impossible
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.