Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.