(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
✌️
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.