men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
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Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.