[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
You Might Also Like
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
They also CAN sing✌️
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?