Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
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My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Warm pools make me nervous.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
mmm onion ringos
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.