ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
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Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Ladies, why y’all do this?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.