me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*orders delivery*
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.