If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
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Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
#Caturday
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien