[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
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Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Happy Halloween 🎃
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item