I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday