I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado