*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
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The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
the best thing i’ve ever made
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The old gods are rising again.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo