supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
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If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
How all things should be taught/explained.
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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30