I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.