As the best book lists of 2021 drop
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
why I oughta
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
How to properly lift a body
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.