As the best book lists of 2021 drop
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves