*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
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Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Someone just threatened to call me later
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.