I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.